How to Write a “Christian” Bestseller

Counting down the top five ways to make sure your book is a “Christian” bestseller.

5.  Write about your trip to Heaven.
Note:  Bonus “cutie” points for having your blonde-haired rosy-cheeked little kid take the trip instead of you.  This is almost fool-proof.  Seriously.  Who is going to dare to stand side-by-side with a darling little boy and even insinuate that this might not be true??!

4. Write about your trip to Hell.
Note:  No bonus “cutie” points for sending your kid, instead of you, on this one.

3. Put the words “Purpose Driven” in the title.
Note: It doesn’t really matter what the book is about… these words are gold!

2. Give operating instructions on the vending-machine God, detailing the proper incantations in order to receive health, wealth and happiness.
Note: Bonus points for blaming “lack of faith” for any spells that don’t work.  The ensuing self-imposed guilt feelings will probably also reduce your risk of lawsuit.

1. Completely re-define the nature of God, and salvation, and Heaven and Hell; but do it in a work of fiction so that no one can say you are poisoning the minds of unsuspecting Christians with false doctrine.  
Note: For bonus cross-cultural and femaninst points, make sure you portray God as a black woman.

Follow these and you’ll quickly be on your way to a successful “Christian” writing career!

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