Counting down the top five ways to make sure your book is a “Christian” bestseller.
5. Write about your trip to Heaven.
Note: Bonus “cutie” points for having your blonde-haired rosy-cheeked little kid take the trip instead of you. This is almost fool-proof. Seriously. Who is going to dare to stand side-by-side with a darling little boy and even insinuate that this might not be true??!
4. Write about your trip to Hell.
Note: No bonus “cutie” points for sending your kid, instead of you, on this one.
3. Put the words “Purpose Driven” in the title.
Note: It doesn’t really matter what the book is about… these words are gold!
2. Give operating instructions on the vending-machine God, detailing the proper incantations in order to receive health, wealth and happiness.
Note: Bonus points for blaming “lack of faith” for any spells that don’t work. The ensuing self-imposed guilt feelings will probably also reduce your risk of lawsuit.
1. Completely re-define the nature of God, and salvation, and Heaven and Hell; but do it in a work of fiction so that no one can say you are poisoning the minds of unsuspecting Christians with false doctrine.
Note: For bonus cross-cultural and femaninst points, make sure you portray God as a black woman.
Follow these and you’ll quickly be on your way to a successful “Christian” writing career!